


Love and loss

by Luxylux



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, But I promise more fluff than angst!, But she is dead, Clexa, F/F, Flashbacks, I also mention racoons!, I also promise a little smut cause ya'll sinners who love porn, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, Just give this one a shot, Lexa's still a candle hoe, She doesn't die, Skinny Dipping, You'll love it :), lexa is dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 07:59:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6462265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luxylux/pseuds/Luxylux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She doesn't care. About anything. She's empty and hollow inside, she's broken and she can never be fixed because the most important piece that completes her is missing. Her Lexa, her one true love, her only light in the darkness is gone, and Clarke thinks she will never get over the pain of love and loss.</p>
<p>The one nobody asked for but I had to write. This is Clarke's journey, it's about grieving over the death of the one you loved most, 'til you one day learn how to survive past it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love and loss

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I started this fic before episode 307 and I just needed to finish it and share it with the world because I for one think it's beautiful.
> 
> Second of all; I want to clarify, in this fic Lexa is dead, she doesn't die, but she is in fact dead. You won't read about how she died, there won't be any details but I will give a hint later on and that's it.
> 
> This story is about Clarke trying to cope with Lexa's death and trying to survive past it and you will get to learn about Clarke & Lexa's relationship through flashbacks. The flashbacks are all super fluffy and a little smutty so I think you will love those ones. There will be some angst for obvious reasons, but it's beautiful angst. And I firmly believe that the fluff outweigh the angst.
> 
> Bold text: Background story.  
> Normal text: The now  
> Italian text: Flashbacks
> 
> So yeah, that's all I had to say. Happy reading and I hope you all will love it! :)

**According to her, dating sites never worked. They were full of people pretending to be someting they were not, always trying to make themselves better than they actually were. She and Octavia had made the profile as a joke, not really wanting anything out of it. But never in a million years she could have believed that the girl she was talking to was all that she is, but she was. After days, weeks and months of texting and talking she found herself in longing for that other girl. Wanting to see her for the first time, much so that her heart ached from the absence of her touch even though she never had experienced it before. Clarke was already falling for her, hard and deeply.  
**

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
**One minute and 13 seconds.** She can't breathe. Her heart feels like is going to jump out of her chest. In one minute her whole world crumbled around her. In one minute, only 60 seconds, her entire life changed. It flashes before her eyes, she sees it, the exact moment when her heart was stolen by the girl she would always belong. And she cries silent tears of loss, her heart would never again be complete because the girl who had stolen the other half of it was gone.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

_CommanderLexa: Blue jeans, brown sweater and released brown hair._

_Clarke's heart is pounding so hard. In just a few minutes she is going to see her. She is not going to have to make up visions in her head to imagine how she looks now based on a few photos that have been sent to her over the few couple of months. She is going to see her, for real, in the moment, just like she is. Clarke is overwhelmed by the feeling of it, by the anticipation and by the nervousness of finally after such a long time to be able to see her. She is breathing heavily, trying to listen to music that makes her heart pound of the base of it, so she won't have to feel her heart pound because of how nervous and scared she is. Ylvis – What does the fox say is a perfect choice. The song is so ridiculous and so up beat that for one second she forgets herself, that she is on a train, after 3 hours, about to see the girl that has occupied her mind for hours that can't be counted. Clarke looks out the window, sees how the trees and meadows disappearing in a fast pace. She can barely register the black and white horses before the train has quickly driven past the green fields. She then get another text message._

_CommanderLexa: The first thing I'm going to do when I see you, is kiss you._

_Clarke's heart beats faster. It's tightning her chest, makes her gasp for breath. She can almost imagine how it would feel to have Lexa's lips against her own, how her whole being would light up because of it, almost._

_ClarkeGriff: The first thing I'm going to do is hug you._

_CommanderLexa: I could picture that would be an awkward first meeting. You hugging me while I'm trying to kiss you. _

_Clarke can't help but to smile at the thought. It would be clumpsy and not at all graceful first meeting but in some way it would sum them up, cause they were not graceful in any aspect so far._

_CommanderLexa: How about... I kiss you and then you hug me?_

_ClarkeGriff: I could work with that._

_CommanderLexa: How long before you arrive? _

_ClarkeGriff: 10 minutes._

_CommanderLexa: Clarke?_

_ClarkeGriff: Yes?_

_CommanderLexa: In ten minutes I am going to kiss you._

_And just like that Clarke really can't breathe cause all she can think about is a kiss that yet has not happened, a kiss that is already taking her over. So when she is stepping out of the train she welcomes the breeze of the early summer wind, inhales all of its smells and tries to take in all of its oxygen because she knows she will need it when she at last will face the girl of her dreams. Literally her dreams. For so many nights she has dreamt about a brunette with eyes the color of green leaves that has yet not been changed by the seasons. She has dreamt about kisses and lingering touches, warm skin meeting hers and plumbed lips leaving traces all over her body. But she has also dreamt about pink dinosaurs trying to kill her and with Lexa saving her from those colorful nightmares. No matter what the dreams, lately she was always present. But this wasn't a dream, it is reality and Clarke is so nervous that she thinks she is going to burst. Her legs are shaking as she walks along the station platform, going down the stairs until she founds herself in a lighted tunnel. In either direction there are staircases leading up to the city above and she doesn't know which one to take._

_ClarkeGriff: Where do I go?_

_She is typing and it only makes Clarke more nervous, in a matter of minutes she is going to see her and she prays that she won't faint when she does._

_CommanderLexa: The stairs to your left._

_And just when Clarke is about to put her phone in her jacket she gets another text._

_CommanderLexa: I can't wait to kiss you. _

_And Clarke smiles, in this second she is so happy, so damn blissful. But at the same time she wants to run the opposite direction because she is so so scared. Scared that it won't be perfect, that she will do or say something wrong and it really makes her want to run. But Clarke doesn't, she forces her legs to obey and she walks towards the steep staircase and when she looks up, there she is. Blue jeans, brown sweater and long released brown hair in waves over her shoulders. She is beautiful, and she's smiling and Clarke is smiling too. As she takes the first steps up the staircase her heart is pounding hard, beating so fast that she almost think she is going to have an heart attack. And Lexa is walking down the stairs as Clarke is walking up, meeting her halfway. Even though she knew it was coming she is still taken by surprise when Lexa takes a grip around her neck, pulling Clarke closer 'til their lips meet. The kiss is soft and immensely slow and Clarke melts into it. She becomes one with the feeling of Lexa's luscious lips against her own. Her eyes are closed but she swears she sees stars, and when their lips part she already misses them. She opens her eyes only to be met by two green ones locking into hers and Clarke's knees becomes weak. She loses her balance and almost falls down the stair, she would have if Lexa wouldn't have catched her waist with her hands, keeping Clarke grounded. Lexa then smiles the most stunning of smiles and in that moment Clarke knows she is done for. She is absolutely and inconceivably inlove._

_”Hi, gorgeous.” Lexa says._

_”Hi, beautiful.” Clarke replies._

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

**Two days, 14 hours and 47 minutes.** She can't move. She has become one with the mattress and she doesn't care. Everything hurts. Her heart aches like it has been stabbed a thousand times, her breaths are sofficating her cause there are no longer enough oxygen left in the world to fill her lungs. Her reddened eyes stings from the endless crying that she just can't hold back inside, her throut dry and closed up from the sobbing she can't keep under control. She is empty inside because the world has no longer a meaning. How can it, when the girl who brought meaning into her life is no longer present on the earth. Ever since she was born her heart had been beating, but Clarke didn't feel the beats until she met her. She was the one who made that blood pumping organ in her chest beat fast and strong, she was the reminder that she actually had one and she had stolen it. Her kisses, laughs and smiles had stolen it. She had captured Clarke's heart with the love she felt for her, so Clarke can't understand how it keeps beating when the girl it belongs to is gone. She will never be whole again, cause her heart had gone when she did. Clarke stomach is growling but she doesn't care. She hasn't eaten in two days, not since she shattered from the news that destroyed her world. She can't bring herself to eat, to fuel the vessel that holds her damaged spirit. She can't drink cause water tastes like acid. The curtains are retracted cause she can't bare to look at the rays of the sun, cause it's only another reminder that the world aint as bright without her. So she is lying in her bed in the darkness, her mind clouded with memories while she's fading away. And she doesn't care. About anything. She's empty and hollow inside, she's broken and she can never be fixed because the most important piece that completes her is missing. Her Lexa, her one true love, her only light in the darkness is gone, and Clarke thinks she will never get over the pain of love and loss.  **  
**

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

_Their hands are intertwined, sweaty from the touch. Their holding is uncomfortable and Clarke's hand is cramped from it but she never wants to let go. She wants to stay in this moment with an aching hand and shaky legs and an nervous stomach because she is with her, the imperfection of this moment is perfect. The aching hand, a reminder of that she's touching Lexa. The shaky legs is there because of how strongly Lexa affects Clarke when she is in her presence. The nervous stomach made of butterflies that are there because Lexa is god to honest the most amazing girl she have ever met, and Clarke is head over heels for her. Her smiles makes her weak-kneed and her laughs is so light and fun loving that it's like music to her ears. No matter how many times she would listen on it on repeat, it's a sound she will never get tired of._

_”So here we are.” Lexa says as she opens the door. The hallway is messy with shoes spread all over the place. On the walls there are pictures of a younger Lexa, from a time when she was little missing one front tooth. Lexa and her family, all looking into the camera with widen smiles. Lexa's mother holding a baby, eyes completely overjoyed by the tiny bundle in her arms. Lexa on her graduation, holding a diploma towards the camera. There are so many pictures describing her life, they show a toddler with the cutest smile that now has become a young woman who has a smile that can take ones breath away, and they are all there for Clarke to see._

_”Come.” Lexa is dragging Clarke along the hallway and into the livingroom, a room with even more photographs that captivates Clarke. But she has no time to go over them cause Lexa is dragging her into another room, still with their hands intertwined. It's Lexa's bedroom. It's small and its smells of vanilla and honey, a scent Clarke could smell when they kissed, it's an odour Clarke always will remember. In the far end of the room there's a bed by a big window and the sight is making her even more nervous of expectations. She drops her bag on the floor, very aware that Lexa is studying her closely. And then, without warning, Lexa comes closer and locks her lips to Clarke's. Clarke once again sees stars and she's melting and oh my.. Clarke feels the kiss in her entire body and when she is backed up against the wall it sends shivers and she is throbbing between her legs and oh my god, she is melting. Lexa makes her feel stuff she has never felt before and she is longing for her touch, she's desperate for it. Her hands travels along Lexa's back, finding its way under her shirt. She feels the warmth from Lexa's skin and her body responds by becoming heated up, she feels like she is on fire. But when she brushes her fingers along Lexa's bra strap Lexa breaks the kiss. Clarke is confused and a bit mortified because maybe she was going to fast, but when she sees the smile on Lexa she becomes a little more at ease._

_“We have time for that” Lexa says as she puts a soft kiss on Clarke's cheek. “But first, we should eat.” And with that they leave the bedroom and Clarke can't wait until they will be back there, picking up things were they left of.  
_

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

**Five days, 3 hours and 16 minutes.** The pain is still there, threatning to break her down, reminding her that nothing will ever be the same again. She thinks about her all the time and it's slowly killing her. Ripping her apart, inch by inch. Each memory is more painful than the last. When Clarke thinks about Lexa's soft kisses on her body, all she can think about is that she never again will feel her tender smiles against her skin, her hot breaths as she leaves traces of affection everywhere. When Clarke thinks about Lexa's perfume of vanilla and honey that always smelled so divine on her neck she becomes heartbroken, she will never again smell that scent because it's no longer produced and sold at stores. Just like Lexa, that perfume is gone. And when she thinks of Lexa's smile, when she pictures it in her head, she breaks apart.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_They order two pizzas but when it arrives Clarke's hunger is vanished. She only manages to get down one slize of the greasy cheese and mushroom pizza before her stomach says stop. She immediately feels guilty because Lexa was the one who paid for it, and here she is, only eating one slize. But it doesn't seem to bother Lexa who is still eating her own pizza with a rapid pace. Clarke is surprised how she can fit all that food in her small body but she loves that she isn't one of those who is afraid of eating a large pizza all on their own. Clarke watches her, she can''t take her eyes of her. Lexa is everyhting she expected and then more some. She is so relaxed, leaning against the armrest on the couch, her legs spread along the leather. Clarke can't believe she is actually here, just a few inches away from the girl who has been on her mind for three long months. She is still nervous because everything about Lexa makes her unsure. She doesn't know why, but Lexa makes her confused in a way that can't be put in words. But Clarke welcomes that confusion because she loves how it makes her feel, how it keeps her on her toes. Because Lexa isn't simple. She's complex and Clarke never knows where she stands with her and that feeling keeps her alive, it intrigues her to want to know more. But one thing she does know, she is completely inlove with the dark haired beauty._

_Clarke yawns and tries to hide it from Lexa, but her all knowing gaze sees everything._

_“Clarke, come closer. Lean against me.” And Clarke does so. She moves and leans her back against Lexa's chest. She feels how her chest heaves at her in- and exhales and she is lost in the moment with Lexa's sharp breathes. Lexa is running her hand through Clarke's blonde hair and nothing has ever been more perfect than this. They watch a movie, and then another one. The last one is so sweet and cute and simply amazing that it fills Clarke with a joy of having watched it together with Lexa. She then decides that that movie is going to be their movie._

_“Oh my god, that was so great. I'm inlove with that movie.” Clarke says, trying to restrict her enthusiasm._

_“You are very cute when you get this excited about a movie."_

_“You think I'm cute?” Clarke says with a smirk._

_“Oh, I can go further than that.” Lexa answers while she leans her face against Clarke's. “I think you are adorable.” Lexa says as she places a gentle kiss on Clarke's left cheek. “And I think you are pretty” She says as she places another kiss at Clarke's right cheek. “And charming” A kiss to the forehead. “Beautiful” Lips touching Clarke's nose tip. “Gorgeous” A tender kiss to her neck. “Stunning” A kiss placed at the corner of her mouth. “And radiant” Lips caressing the other corner. And then a paus before; “Sexy.” And her lips are on Clarke's. The kiss is infinant and breathtaking and so loving. Clarke heart races because this kiss is THE kiss of all kisses. Her butterflies in the stomach goes crazy, her heart pounding like never before, so hard that she can feel the beats so clearly. But then Lexa once again breaks the kiss and Clarke hates it. She has a feeling that this is going to be an on going pattern with Lexa._

_“We should sleep because you are tired.” Lexa says and Carke doesn't disagree, she is tired. She immediately misses the warmth from Lexa's body when she pulls away, allowing Lexa to get up._

_Lexa goes into the bedroom and for a second Clarke thinks about if wheter she should follow her or not but then decides to carry out the pizza cartons first. She lays them on the kitchen table before walking past the livingroom and entrences the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Lexa is bent over making the bed and Clarke is taken over by lust. She sneaks up behind Lexa and places her hands on her waist. Lexa stiffens at the touch but when Clarke moves her brown hair to one side, exposing Lexa's sooth skin on the neck, and places a soft kiss on it Lexa gasps. She twists her head a little more to the side, giving Clarke more space to leave tender kisses on her shuddering body._

_“I thought you were tired.” Lexa speaks through her gasps._

_Clarke moves her mouth closer to Lexa's ear and whispers almost inaudible;_

_“I was, but all I want to do now is this.” And Clarke turns Lexa over and kisses her plumbed lips._

_This kiss isn't as soft and gentle as the ones before. It's full of passion and uncontrollable hunger. Lexa answers it and her tongue seeks entrence, one that Clarke happily gives. Her tongue meeting Lexa's its an arosul all by itself, but when Lexa's hands find its way under her shirt and she takes a firm grip on Clarke's hipbones the throbbing between her legs is persistent. And just like that Clarke can't handle it anymore, she needs to feel her skin, she needs to touch her and be touched by her so much that she aches from longing. Clarke takes her shirt and pulls it over her head and Lexa is watching her. Following the contours of her upperbody, lingering with her eyes on Clarke's bra. And Clarke feels self-conscious and exposed from the naked skin she is showing. But when Lexa releases her grip from Clarke's body and takes her own shirt of everything is alright in the world. Because Lexa is beautiful and radiant and she's like the sun and Clarke is drawn to her. So when Lexa slowly unclasp her bra and lets it fall the the floor Clarke is all over her. She presses her lips against Lexa's while her hands wanderes from Lexa's abdomen to her chest. She feels Lexa's stiffened peaks against her fingers and the sensation that goes through her body is enough to make her insane of want. Without even realizing it she has pushed Lexa down in the bed and Clarke is lying on top of her with on of her legs between Lexa's. She is grinding against her with that one leg while placing kisses at every inch of Lexa's upperbody, her hands exploring every bit of exposed skin. Lexa moans and shudders underneath her touch and the sounds she makes is already near making Clarke giddy of arosul. She kisses her collarbone and continues her way down to Lexa's breast, teasing her nipple with her tongue while she's fondling Lexa's other breast with her hand. And the way Lexa's skin feels against her own is making Clarke's skin crawl and it sends shivers through her body. She can't get enough, she needs more. So Clarke takes her hand och slides it down from Lexa's chest to the outline of her jeans, tugging on it gently and watches Lexa's expression as she does so. She is seeking permission and with one light nod she gets it. She sits up and makes her way to the end of the bed and starts unbuttoning the one clothing she doesn't want Lexa to wear. Her heartbeats is going on overdrive as she slowly pulls them down and throws them on the floor. Clarke is watching Lexa as she lies there on the bed, all naked but from the black underwear she has on and god, she is a work of art. More beautiful than the Mona Lisa in its clearest form. She is exquisite and every detail of her body is remarkable. And Clarke is overfilled with all kind of emotions as she takes her place next to Lexa. She lies on her side so close to her that she is almost hanging over her, but not quite. A kiss, then another as her hand travels its way down between Lexa's legs. She is soaked through her underwear and Clarke rubs her fingers along her folds atop of the clothing and Lexa moans and dammit, she can't wait any longer to feel her. She is not hesitant as she glides her hand from the soaked warmth to the outlines of the underwear and finally making her way in from under it. Lexa's breathing is heavy and when Clarke slowly runs her index finger through Lexa's folds she gasps. She is so wet and Clarke relish in the feeling of Lexa's juices on her fingers and her own throbbing between her legs immensely worsens. And while she kisses the side of Lexa's neck she let's on finger push its way into Lexa, attracting a deep moan from Lexa's throut, and Clarke moans herself because her finger is buried inside of her and that moan from Lexa was so hot that Clarke can't handle it. She thrusts a few times with her finger, getting deeper for every time and let's Lexa get used to the feeling of her before she adds another digit, alluring another moan of ecstasy from Lexa's mouth. And in that moment Lexa kisses her, hard while she reaches her hand to Clarke's back. Her nails digging into the skin there harder for each thrusts and Clarke feels her panting on her lips and she has never once been more turned on. Clarke doesn't even comprehend how her back suddenly feels free from the unclasp bra because she is too involved in the moment seeing Lexa shake of pleasure. But when she feels a hand on her breast Clarke realizes the unhitched binding and she stills for a second, breaks the kiss and a sneaky smile appears on Lexa's lips._

_“You know, if you wanted to see me naked all you had to do was say so.” Clarke smirkes._

_“Okay then, I want to see you naked.”_

_Clarke thinks about it for a minute before shaking her head._

_“Nah, you first.” She smiles and Lexa sighs of frustration which only widens her smile._

_Slowly Clarke pulls out her fingers from Lexa and clasps her bra together before she backs herself to the far end of the bed. She is still smiling as she slowly drags down Lexa's underwear while Lexa is raising her hips to help. She spreads her legs a little to once again give Clarke permission to entrance but Clarke teases by utterly softly running her finger up and down her folds._

_“You know, you're the meanest girl alive.” Lexa says while all trying to control her panting._

_“You won't think that in a few minutes.” Clarke teases._

_“Oh yeah? What happens in a few min- OHH.” Lexa burst out as she feels Clarke's tongue on her clit._

_She tastes so good. Clarke is consumed by the taste of her fluids and she swears that right now she is in heaven that Lexa embodies. She isn't teasing anymore. With force she draws circles on Lexa's clit with her tongue while pressing two fingers inside of her, pumping them faster for every response she gets from Lexa. And Lexa is moaning and shuddering, her hips raise to put more force behind Clarke's fingers that are knuckle deep inside of her heat. Clarke can feel Lexa's muscles clench around them, harder for every second that passes by. Her walls are beginning to tighten and Clarke can feel that she is near so she pushes her over the edge. With one swift curl with her fingers and a light sucking on the clit she becomes undone and in that moment she has never been more beautiful. Lexa's body is still tremling 'til a few minutes after when she finally opens her eyes and locks them into Clarke's._

_“Clarke, come here.” She speaks and Clarke reluctantly moves her head from Lexa's stomach that it has been resting on. She crawls up next to Lexa who stops her before she manages to lay down beside her._

_“I believe I still haven't seen you naked. My turn is up, yours is coming.” And she smiles while putting a soft kiss on Clarke's lips._  
_This time Clarke feels as her back becomes free from her bra and she smirks against Lexa's mouth, taking off her bra completely and tossing it on the floor beneath them. Lexa doesn't waste any time before she is tugging at the outline of Clarke's pants and Clarke wants to take them off probably as much as Lexa does. So she helps her along the way. Lying down with her legs in the air as she bucks her hips up, dragging them and her underwear away from her body. And when she is lying next to Lexa, entirely bare, Lexa leans over and attaches her lips to Clarke's. The kiss is sweet and gentle, a sign of affection that only Lexa can make seem so world changing. Her hands are on Clarke's chest, tenderily stroking breasts and flesh. Clarke's body is quaking under the feel of her touch and her lips are trembling against Lexa's. She might burn up because Lexa sets her on fire, her body is dynamite and Lexa is slowly lighting the fuse. And when Lexa finds her way between Clarke's folds she gasps because damn, it has never felt that good. Lexa makes quick work of her hand as she lets two of her fingers sink into Clarke's entrance and starts circling her clit with her thumb. Clarke is shuddering and shivering and it's just, unbearable when Lexa presses her thumb harder against her clit. Clarke is grabbing the sheets and holds them tightly in her grip because that is all she can do to stop herself from removing Lexa's thumb from the sensitive area that just grows bigger._

_“Stop squirming.” Lexa mumbles._

_“I can't.” Clarke manages to get out from her moans._

_“You can, just relax.”_

_“I can't.” And Clarke really can't because her touch is so satisfactory that it has become unbearable to feel it. For every circling on her clit while fingers thrusting inside her she get spasm in her whole body because it's just too much. Too much pleasure and she can't relax because she is going to explode._

_“If you don't stop squirming I will have to tie you to the bed.” Lexa whispers seductively in her ear while never stop pounding into her. “Then I can do whatever I want to you” Still whispering. “And if you can't handle this, you definitely can't handle that” Her thumb still circling around. “You will be helpless to my touch, surrendered to my every whim.” She kisses Clarke on her neck, leaving a wet trace from her tongue. “And believe me, Clarke, I would make you come time after time, over and over.” And with that Lexa drags her nail over the swollen piece of flesh and Clarke is dynamite and the fuse is lit, and she explodes._

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

**Eight days, 7 hours and 19 minutes.** She is lying in her bed, her eyes are drowsy because everything is making her tired lately. Being awake makes her tired and all she wants to do is to sleep. To sleep the pain away. Clarke wants to exist in that other world where her conscious isn't present, somewhere where she will be chased by dinosaurs or slaughtered by inbred mountain men cause any nightmare is better than the one she's living. She is being haunted every second of the hour and she can't stand it. Green eyes that she never again will lock into, plumbed lips she never again will be able to taste. Strong lean arms embracing her with warmth, laughs so spirited and fun loving that it colors the world from the greyness of the winter. She breaks into pieces because she will never again feel Lexa's comforting embrace, or hear her vivid laugh that paints a million different paintings with all the worlds colors before her inner eye. And it hurts. It pains her so incomprehensibly that it's taking her over. She isn't fully present in the reality anymore, much so that she doesn't even notice when her bed dips at its foot end. It isn't until her mother speaks that she register that she's actually there and she is brought back to the edge between living and existing.

“Honey.” Her mother speaks. Tone soft and calm. “I have prepared a bath for you.”

Clarke doesn't answer. She only closes her eyes as she listens to her mothers voice.

“Clarke, you haven't showered in days. You are going to make yourself sick if you continue like this. You need to take care of yourself, it's what Lexa...” Her mother's voice dies out. It was spoken too soon and Abby knew it the moment the name escaped her lips. The room becomes heavy with a deafening silence and Clarke is bursting inside because she can't bare to hear the sound of her name out loud.

“Honey, I'm so sorry” Abby begins as she inches a little closer to Clarke's lying figure. But before she is able to touch her Clarke has gotten out the bed, walking quickly out of the room to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her.

She is breathing heavily because suddenly it was too much too soon and Clarke is shattering. Her intestines feel like they are being twisted and dragged in all possible angles from inside her body and it hurts more than words can describe and she is just so tired. So tired of feeling like this, being in this staggering agony every damn second of every damn day. She just wants it to stop. She doesn't want to feel anymore. She doesn't want to feel how the tears are threatning to consume her or the pain from trying to hold them inside. And as she slowly removes her clothing she feels heavier rather than lighter. As if the revmoval of the fabric only makes the burden of the grief she's carrying more clearer, even more substantial. She doesn't even try out the warmth of the water with her fingertips before she sits down in the tub, and she instantly flinches by the water's high temperture. Her skin is burning and she turns on the tap and rotates it to as cold as it can get to even out the warmth from which she is lying in, and the strong beam is slowly starting to fill more water into the half full tub. Clarke lays down and rests her head on the edge. She is staring up the ceiling as she feels how the warmth quickly becomes cold and she shudders. She is starting to freeze but she doesn't do anything to prevent it because this feeling is amazing. The ice cold surrounding her body feels like hundreds of needles against her skin and it feels like it's tightning her skin, making it shout out in pain whenever she moves. And she embraces this physical pain with all she got because she is no longer focusing on her inner one. And it's a relief and all she can do is sigh as she lets her mind go blank. She doesn't feel her body anymore, her limbs has become numb and her mind has gone empty and she founds herself feeling like she's falling down a black hole without and end. As the water starts to spill out over the edges of the tub she doesn't make an attempt to turn of the tap to prevent it because she doesn't even realize it's happening. She is lost in the moment of not thinking or feeling, and she's at peace of finally not being teared down by the pain of losing the one most precious to her. But peace like this never last. When the floor has become coated of crystal clear water and leaks out from under the bathroom door frantic knocking begins. Clarke can hear her mother's voice from somewhere afar. She can hear her calling her name, the knocking on the door that becomes more and more panicked for each second that passes. Clarke only hear those things like a whisper that is trying to reach and drag her out from her crippling state of mind. But when she feels warm hands on her shoulders dragging her up in a sitting position and shaking her, she hears those whispers become yelling that echoes in her ears. She sees her mother. Eyes widen with worry and panic and veins showing on her forehead, and Clarke cracks. She is no longer in that soothing place of peace and mind and coming back to the pain she feels in her chest is overwhelming, so she cracks and tears is streaming down her face.

“Clarke, what are you thinking!” Her mother shouts, still with a firm grip on her shoulders, shaking them with brute force. But as Clarke's tears starts to fall down her cheeks her grip loosens. “Oh, honey. Come on, let's get you up.” She urgud. Clarke almost falls over as she is standing up, her legs shaky and weak from the freezy cold. But Abby holds her and guides her out of the tub, wrapping her in a towel and frantically rubs her hands against the lenght of Clarke's arms. “We must get you warm honey.” She pleas as Clarke is standing there, trying to resist her mother's touch all while she is sobbing so hard that her throut begins to throb of ache. Abby tries to embrace her because Clarke's lips are blue and she is shuddering and she needs bodyheat so her body won't shut down but Clarke pushes her away.

“Let go of me!” Her voice hoarse and cracking. But Abby doesn't give up and she wraps her arms around Clarke anyway, whispering soothing words into her ear and gently strokes her head. Wet hair getting intertwined with her fingers.

“Let go.” It's not more than a whisper between sobs and Clarke legs gives up and she sinks down to the floor, still with her mothers arms around her and she leans into her chest.

“Honey, it will get better.” Her mother assures her, trying to comfort her daughter the best she can.

“She's dead! It will never get better!” And if Clarke wasn't crying before she is certanily doing it know because she said it, she said it out loud and it has never felt more real. Her whole body shakes from her violent sobs and her lungs is trying to get oxygen but it feels like they have been ripped out from her body, and she can't breathe.

“It will, I promise.” Abby speaks calmly with the softest voice she can bring herself to use. “Just give it time honey. It will get better, I promise you Clarke. Just take it one day at the time, and one day it won't hurt as much. The pain will fade with time.”

“I don't care about one day, what about today!” Clarke yells, her sobbing tightening her throut.

Her mother doesn't speak, she simply strokes Clarke's head and reassures her that everything is going to be okay with her rocking embrace. For two hours they remain on the floor and Clarke falls asleep in her mother's comforting arms.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

_Clarke opens her eyes to be met by the sun shining through the curtains, blinding her for a second before her eyes can get adjust to the bright light. For a brief moment she finds herself disoriented before she remembers where she is and a broad smile forms on her lips. She feels a lean arm around her chest and the smile only grows bigger. Clarke carefully turns around and sees the green irises that belongs to the most beautiful girl alive to be looking at her._

_“Good morning.” Clarke simply states and she can't get her stupid grin to disappear from her face._

_“Good morning.” Lexa replies sleepily._

_Lexa has some serious bed hair going on and her eyes are all puffy but Clarke swears she has never looked more beautiful than she does right now. Clarke leans and leaves a chaste kiss on Lexa's soft lips and she has never felt as content with life. The kiss seemed to bring Lexa out of her sleepy state because she is kissing her back eagerly, her hand coming around the naked skin of Clarke's waist to bring her closer. And Clarke is now fully awake. She traces Lexa's bottom lip with her tongue and then bites it gently, attracting a low moan from her lovers mouth. Lexa tenderly pushes Clarke down so she lays on her back and then she sits on top of her, straddling her down with her hips. Her hand reaches it's way down between the apex of Clarke's thigh and Clarke can feel as Lexa shudders atop of her while she herself feels shivers along her spine._

_“You are already so wet for me.” Lexa says and it sends another shiver in Clarke's body as Lexa runs her finger along her folds._

_.“You kinda have that affect on me.” Clarke chuckles._

_Lexa leans over and kisses Clarke and Clarke can feel Lexa's smile against her lips._

_“I have a proposition.” Lexa speaks inbetween the kisses._

_“Mmm?” Is all that Clarke manages to get out without leaving Lexa's enchanting mouth. But Lexa softly breaks the kiss and attaches her glare to Clarke's blue eyes, a mischievous smile appearing on her lips._

_“How about we stay in bed all week until you need to go home, only taking eat and pee breaks?”_

_Clarke laughs, it was a proposition worth taking._

_“I think we could do that, maybe with exception for a shower or two later on.” Clarke answers and her heart is singing because she has never felt as happy as she does in this moment._

_Lexa hums in agreement and once again locks her lips to Clarke's but it only takes a few seconds before she leans back and their lips part. Lexa looks deeply into Clarke's eyes, never taking her glare of them._

_“Clarke?” Her voice low, the name coming out as a whisper._

_“Yeah?”_

_“I think I love you.”_

_Clarke's heart skips a beat and it is a moment of utter silence, atmosphere heavy with the meaning of the words. A smile shaping on Clarke's lips, green irises staring into her blue, a look of worry on the brunettes face._

_“Is that you telling me that you love me?”_

_“Yes.”_

_And Clarke's heart begins to beat again, her heart racing because Lexa loves her and Clarke loves her back and god, she loves her beyond words._

_“Well then, I think I love you too.”_

_The smile that takes place on Lexa's lips has never been more radiant and when she once again leans down and kisses Clarke, no other kiss can compare to this one._

  
_They held up the proposition for most part, loving each other in the bed for days and nights until the day Clarke said goodbye and stepped on the train. Already missing Lexa before it even had begun to drove off, and she could not wait to see her love again._

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

**Three weeks, 6 days and 5 hours.**

“Oh, look who it is! We never thought we would see your ugly face again!”

Clarke manages to put a small smile on her lips before she is dragged into a warm hug, arms gripping her tightly around her waist.

“Yeah, nice to see you to, O.”

Octavia lets go of the hold she had on Clarke and smiles cordially at her, but Clarke isn't able to return the smile quite as heartfelt. Octavia is about to speak but before she has time Raven comes running and throws herself at Clarke, taking her in for an loving embrace.

“Damn, Clarke. Long time no see. Pre-med isn't the same without you, we have missed you.” Raven says without letting Clarke go, an awkward silence starting to spread.

.“Okay, Ray. Slowly back away from the girl and put your hands above your head.” Octavia teases trying to defuse the tension.

“Shut up.” Raven teases back as she lets her hands fall down to her sides.

They both are looking at Clarke with widen smiles and Clarke feels out of place, like this isn't her scene anymore. The three of them have been best friends for nearly 11 years, first meeting when they were ten years old at a former classmates birthday party that they all were invited to. Since then it was the three of them doing everything together, even going to pre-med together, that until Clarke decided to take a sabbatical due to recent events. And since they were 18 years old they had this weekly thing every saturday where they just drank beer and talked about everything that could be talked about, all though Clarke had skipped it a few times, isolating herself. And now she feels like she doesn't quite belong anymore, there's so much she have missed. Raven have cut her hair a little bit, her blackish-brown hair set up in a ponytail. And Octavia had made some changes too. A tribal tattoo can be seen starting from her upperarm all the way to the nape of her neck, it looks good on the brunettes toned body.

“Hey, you okay Clarke?” Octavia asks and Clarke came out of her daze.

“Yeah, yeah, everything's fine.” She smiles and reassures her worried friend.

“Great, then come in and start drinking!” Raven cuts in “But don't bother taking your shoes off cause the floor is cold as fuck.”

Clarke lets herself be lead to the livingroom of the small house and sits down in the brown skin couch and tucks her legs underneath one and other while she accepts the beer Octavia hands her. Clarke doesn't wait a second before she presses the bottle to her lips, downing several gulps of the ice cold beer in a row. She catches her breath and enjoyes the taste of the alcohol that already is starting to dim her mind a little.

“So how you been?” Octavia asks as she too sits down in the couch.

“Seriously, O?” Raven shouts out from the kitchen before she enters the livingroom with several more beers in hand. “That's just about the stupidest question you could ask right now.”

Clarke can't help the tiny smile that appeares, she have missed their constant bickering.

“It's alright Raven.” She assures and takes a few more sips from the beer but she doesn't answer the question, and luckily Octavia is a good sport and doesn't pursue it further.

“Atleast you're here, didn't think you would be up for it.” Raven says as she opens her beer and takes up the remote, turning on some music and the song Toploader – Dancing in the moonlight fills up the silence in the room.

“Actually...” Clarke begins. “My mom kind off forced me to come here.”

“Auch! Clarkey, you're breaking my delicate little heart.” Octavia pouts and dramatically puts her hand over her chest.

“Oh, stop it you. I've wanted to come it's just.. It's been hard. It is hard.” 

“We know, but we're here for you Clarke. Whatever you need.”

“Yeah, what O said.” Raven agrees.

Clarke nods and devours her beer and is quickly given another one by Octavia.

“Thanks guys, but enough about me. What has been going on with you two? I want to know everyhting.”

Clarke can barely focus on what the two girls are saying. She is on her sixth beer and the world is starting to spin around her. She is on an constant merry-go-round and she wants to get of the damn ride. Clarke makes an mental note and promises herself to never again drink on an emtpy stomach because she is apparently not equipt for it anymore, but as much as she hates the feeling of being trapped in an rotating world she likes it too. Right now she isn't thinking of the past or the future, she is simply existing in the now with her two best friends in the world and listens to their laughs. It's an long awaited escape from the pain that has consumed her. And even though this merry-go-round ride probably is going to make her vomit sometime soon she would prefer a thousand more spins before coming back to the pain that is her everyday.

“Hey Princess, fair warning, if you puke on my sofa I will kick your ass.” Raven says jokingly, probably enjoying seeing Clarke in such a drunken state. And Clarke laughs, she actually laughs at the idiotic joke and it feels like a lift from her shoulders.

“Reyes, even when drunk you wouldn't be able to kick my ass and you know it.” Clarke slurs and then takes another sip of the beer even though it would be wise to stop now. But in the movement she freezes, her blood turns to ice at the sound of it and her heart is beating out her chest. A thousand years by Christina Perri is playing and the memory overflows her in an instant. Over the past couple of weeks she has encountered many triggers that each has managed to break her down, but no one has been as clear as this one. She can hear her voice in her head. Soft and light, a beautiful symphony of different tunes and tones and her blood is boiling at the thought of her voice accompined to the song.

“Turn it off.” Clarke growls.

The two girls are engaged in an conversation and doesn't hear her words.

“Turn it off.” She speaks again, louder this time.

“What?” Octavia asks with confusion in her voice, her eyebrow arched when she looks at the blonde that is clenching her fists, visible shaking.

“TURN IT OFF!” And Clarke doesn't know how it happened but she hears the clash of her beer bottle meeting the wall after she threw it in rage, glass spreading over the floor and she is heaving heavily.

“What the fuck Clarke!” Raven yells out, eyes widen looking back and forth between the wall and Clarke.

“Clarke what is it?” Octavia tries and lays an hand atop of Clarke's and the touch makes Clarke snap back into focus.

She needs to leave, now. Clarke rises and starts running out of the livingroom, grabbing her jacket on the move and flings the door open. She can hear Raven and O's voices behind her back.

“Clarke, wait!” But she doesn't wait. She runs out of the house and shuts the door behind her and she doesn't look back.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

_“I miss you. Like I can't eat can't sleep really miss missing you.”_

_Clarke hear Lexa's laugh in the other line of the phone and it only makes her missing her even more._

_“I know Clarke, the feeling is mutual.”_

_It goes quiet for a few minutes, but it isn't an awkward silence. They're just together in the moment, listening to each others deep breaths and longing sighs. It's harder than any of them expected, being away from one and other from time to time and not really knowing when they will see each other next. Clarke is busy with pre-med and Lexa is under huge pressure as an assistant nurse and it is really hard making it work sometimes. But neither of them lets it get to them cause when they do see each other, the waiting and longing just makes those moments even more powerful than they would have been otherwise. Lexa is the first one to break the silence._

_“My bed feels empty without you.”_

_“I miss your bed.”_

_“I miss you in my bed.”_

_“Lexa, is this you beginning to sex me up? Cause in that case I will turn you down because I am too tired to feel horny.”_

_Clarke once again hears that amazing laugh of hers and she warms up of the sound of it. Lexa really has the most incredible laugh and it always gives her goosebumps. Clarke still can't believe how lucky she is being with this amazing girl that can make her heart stop completely or pound insanely fast, or give her butterflies in the stomach that goes bananas at the sound of her voice. Everytime she sees her it's like she falls inlove with her over and over again. She's just so lucky having to met the girl she can love with all her heart._

_“Relax, Clarke. I'm not going to sex you up, no matter how much I want to, because you have classes in a few hours and you need to sleep my gorgeous.”_

_And like on cue Clarke yawns and sinks deeper into her pillow, correcting her earphones before she relaxes her body._

_“Will you stay with me?” Clarke asks and closes her eyes._

_“Always.”_

_“Will you sing to me?”_

_“Clarke, you know I only do that when you're asleep. You're still awake.”_

_“Please, I want to fall asleep to the singing of your voice. It's soothing, just once. Pretty please my beautiful?”_

_Clarke yawns once again and turns so she is lying on her side, taking a pillow and holding it tight to her chest, in her mind pretending it's Lexa._

_A sigh and then.._

_“Okay.”_

_Lexa is quiet a several good minutes and Clarke knows she's probably fetching some water and going to the bathroom because it isn't unusual for them to end falling asleep on each other on the phone. As the minutes passes Clarke becomes more and more drowsy and she's barely awake when she hears her soft voice filling her ears with gentle tunes and tones of the most beautiful symphony to man-kind._

_Heart beats fast_  
_Colors and promises_  
_How to be brave?_  
_How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?_  
_But watching you stand alone,_  
_All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow._  
_One step closer..._

_Clarke isn't aware that she is smiling against the pillow she has against her chest, she isn't aware of anything other than that voice she knows she is going to have dreams about. Lexa can sing. Her voice as amazing and beautiful as the clear tones of a harpa being played by an angel. As the chorus comes Clarke starts drifting into the slumber, the most beautiful voice still eminent in the back of her head._

_I have died every day waiting for you_  
_Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you_  
_For a thousand years_  
_I'll love you for a thousand more_

_And as she falls asleep her last train of thought is that the lyrics weren't written about them, but as she hears those last two lines she knows that their love will last for thousand of years to come._

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Two months, 25 days and 14 hours.** She isn't longer consumed by the pain of grief or feeling emptiness inside because she has shut down from her haunted memories. She doesn't cry anymore because all the tears have dried out or she has used up all of them. In her sleep she has dreams about about her. Laughs, the softness of her voice and smiles and kisses all blends together like when you're trying to fit a nature scene and capture it on a too small canvas. At some point the grieving became too much and she doesn't allow herself to feel it, instead she's channeling all her emotions into one; anger. She's angry about everything, everyone. When a romantic comedy pops up on tv she wants to throw it out the window. When she hears the rythmic of a slow and tender song she quickly changes the station because the music doesn't fit with the lyrics and the song sucks. When she sees couples walking down the streets she wants to shout at them because they aren't probably realizing what they have, and what they have is something that Clarke doesn't anymore and it enrages her. And when she sees trucks driving along the roads she wants to kill the drivers. She wants to kill those high and mighty drivers that sits in those big trucks driving like they own the highways, because ultimately it's their fault. It's their fucking fault and she she hates them. Clarke hates them with all her heart.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_“Lexa, I'm dyyying.” Clarke mutters while she's fidgeting in bed, squirming from the pain of the cramps and clenches her hands hard holding the sheets._

_“You're not dying Clarke.” Lexa replies entering the bedroom with a hot cup of tea in her hand._

_“I have a cold from hell, a fever AND I'm on my period.” Clarke defends herself. “Pretty sure I'm dying.” She concluds twisting and turning in bed, hands on her stomach while groaning loudly._

_Lexa almost feels like laughing at the sight of the blonde acting like the world is going to end, but she herself knows the torture of menstruation so she thought it wise not to agitate her beautiful girlfriend._

_“Drink this.” Lexa says and places the steaming cup on the black nightstand. “Tea fixes everything.”_

_“Oh yeah? Will it fix my persistent cough and runny nose? Or will it keep my head from spinning and being all dizzy from this damn fever? Or will it perhaps make it stop feeling like I am being stabbed from the inside out in my stomach? Because in that case, yeah I would love some tea!”_

_Lexa shakes her head while moving forward, taking her place next to Clarke in the bed. Clarke looks up and sees Lexa's face, those green eyes looking with sympathy at her and Clarke knows she was unfair._

_“Sorry.” She mumbles, her body inching closer to Lexa's 'til she has her head on Lexa's lap with Lexa running her hand slowly through her hair._

_“It's okay, and you're right. Tea doesn't fix anything, but it does make you feel better.”_

_Lexa keeps stroking her head with one hand and starts to drag her fingernails gently up and down Clarke's upperarm with the other. And Clarke smiles because she really has the most wonderful girlfriend in the entire world._

_“You make me feel better.”_

_Clarke can't see it but she knows Lexa is smiling, she can feel it. How the energy in the room brightens by it, how the atmosphere becomes lighter and filled with serenity because Lexa's smiles goes beyond a simple movement. She's like the sun heating the earth when she smiles. She radiates warmth and Clarke is on the reciving end, knowing that without that warmth she would slowly die. And Clarke closes her eyes, reveling in the feeling of having the sun looking down at her._

_“Hey gorgeous, I'm hungry. Do you want some soup?”_

_Clarke digs her head deeper into Lexa's lap and moves her arms around one of Lexa's thighs, using it as an pillow for her dizzy head._

_“Soon.” Clarke answers, her voice weary of fatigue._

_“Okay.” Lexa says with a low voice. “Hey Clarke, I love you.”_

_Clarke smiles blissfully against the soft pillow of Lexa's thigh._

_“I love you too.”_

_It doesn't take long before Clarke falls asleep. Her cold making her snore a little and Lexa thinks it's the most adorable sound she's ever heard._

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

  **Four months, 16 days and 18 hours.** The dropship is as usual packed with your typical bikers and morons and even though Clarke doesn't quite belong with the crowd she feels at home. Like this is the place she needs to be. Smoke lingers in the air and the atmosphere is heavy with oppressed anger and violence. Most people here are pretty stiff and doesn't focus on anything else than getting their juices flowing and drinking themselves into oblivious, it's only the regulars who are relaxed and laughing like they aren't in a place that reeks of sweat, urin and despair. Clarke moves easily through the crowd before she reaches the bar and sits down on a stool. The smell of alcohol hitting her like polluted air.

“Won't you look at that, three days in a row blondie. Are you trying to break a record? Or do you simply miss my lovely face?”

Clarke ignores the womans snarky blondie comment all though she wants to snap back because the woman is blonde herself, her hair just a little darker with brown roots than her own.

“I'll take a beer and a shot.”

“You have ID?”

“Come on, you just said it yourself, I've been her three days in a row. You know I'm 21.”

“I'm just busting your balls kid, you'll get your drinks.” Anya starts filling the glass with the yellow liquid and then pours tequila in a smaller glass, handing them over to Clarke.

Clarke quickly swallows the hard liquor and her throut is burning like it's caught on fire. She can't hide the tiny cough that escapes her and she sees Anya grinning like it's her main pleasure in life to see people react to the burning sensation.

“Another.”

Once again Anya fills the tiny shotglass and places it before Clarke who instantly devours it. Her whole body is becoming warmer and Clarke's skin is tingling and she almost giggles at the feeling of it. Clarke almost expects that she isn't going to feel the impact of the alchol so quickly since she has been drinking so much the last of couple of days, yet her head already is beginning to sway a little. But she doesn't order another but instead she sticks with beer for the rest of the night.

“So, are you ever going to tell me what you are running from?” Anya asks while she is wiping a glass dry with a towel.

“Who says I'm running?” Clarke slurs, drunk from the many beers she had.

“Look kid, I've been a bartender long enough to become good at reading people, hell, I'm excellent at it and you my friend, you're drinking your sorrows away.”

“It's none of your business.” Clarke hisses.

“Never said it was. But I do see it a part of my obligation to guide youth back to the right path if possible and this, this isn't a good place to be. So?”

“So, what?”

“So, are you going to tell me?” 

For a second Clarke is thinking about it. Her mind is clouded with the effects of alcohol and in the moment she is carefree because it's just her and beer in a dilapidated pub with an bartender that have some sort of comforting aura around her. But after that second passes she shakes her head because she still can't. She still can't talk about her like she's not existing anymore because then it will only hit Clarke harder that she doesn't.

“No.”

“I figured as much, but I'm letting you know that after that beer I'm cutting you off for tonight. This is no way of getting through your day.”

“Hey, we all do what we need to do to survive our days right?” Clarke says and raises her glass in the air for a silent toast before bringing it to her lips.

“Well, maybe life should be about more than just surviving.”

Clarke looks into the bartenders brown irises and sees that the tiny smile she has on her lips reaches all the way to her eyes.

“Maybe it should.” Clarke says and turns her gaze down to her beer, finishing it off and then leaves.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

_Clarke whimpers at the feeling of having Lexa's hands roaming all over her body and she closes her eyes while clutcing the sheets. She pants as she feels how Lexa places hot breath kisses on her neck and she shudders when Lexa's finger starts circling her clit. Clarke releases her grip of the sheets and places her hands on Lexa's broad back, digging her nails into the sweaty skin when Lexa suddenly pushes a finger inside of her. Clarke opens her eyes and are met by Lexa's green eyes and a proud smile on her pink plumbled lips. Clarke attaches her lips to Lexa's in a searing kiss and reaches down her hand to the apex of Lexa's thighs, her index finger pressing down on the swollen flesh. Lexa gasps against Clarke's mouth and she seizes the opportunity to bite down on Lexa's bottomlip while dragging the nails of her free hand down Lexa's back, a little harder than she intended to. But it only fuels Lexa's hunger for her and she moans loudly. Lexa nibbles on Clarke's neck while her fingers works inside of her and Clarke is panting, her breathing clouded with desire and pleasure. And when Clarke starts to circle Lexa's clit a little more firmly she can feel Lexa's panting more markedly against her skin and the nibbles becomes heated up. Clarke is teasing her with her finger and she loves how it drives Lexa crazy, she loves the feeling of Lexa's teeth against her skin, she loves the fine line between pleasure and pain she feels on her neck all while having Lexa's lean fingers thrusting in and out of her. She loves this fine line so she doesn't say anything when the nibbles become more of biting. She doesn't say anything when the pain starts to be more noteable than the pleasure because it still feels good. So instead she bites her lip and digs her nails deeper into Lexa's back, but it might have been too deep because Lexa bites down on the flesh she has between her teeth. and Clarke screams._

_Lexa's head flew up at the high pitched scream and Clarke can see Lexa's terrified expression even in the dark. Clarke knows Lexa didn't mean to hurt her, it had just been an mechanism to bite down when she had clawed her nails into Lexa's skin. And Clarke aches from seeing her scared and confused face. She opens her mouth to speak but before a word comes out she can feel the loss of Lexa's fingers inside her and she has already gotten up to turn on the lamp. The room suddenly becomes brighter and Clarke tries to adjust to the sudden light. Lexa is coming towards her, completely naked with sweat beads glistening over her body._

_“Let me see.”_

_Lexa's voice is broken and Clarke can hear the pain in it. She sits up as Lexa sits down on the bed._

_“Lexa, it's ok-”_

_“Let me see it” Lexa interrupts, her green eyes trailing all over Clarke's neck, and when Clarke turns her neck to the side Lexa gasps and her eyes widens. Lexa had bitten her so hard that it puncutered the skin and small drops of blood covered the red area “Oh my god, Clarke. I'm so sorry.” Lexa's voice cracks and Clarke can see her eyes watering. She shoves herself forward in the bed, closer to Lexa and takes her hands in her own._

_“Hey, it's okay.” Clarke cooed. “I'm okay.”_

_“No you're not, you are bleeding.” And then, after 9 months together, Clarke sees Lexa cry for the first time in form of a single tear running down her cheek. “I'm sorry, I've never meant to hurt you.” Lexa looks down at their hands and another tear leaves her eye._

_“Hey beautiful..” Clarke takes one hand and places it on Lexa's chin, gently pushing up her face until their eyes meet. “It wasn't your fault, we both got carried away. I should have spoken out when it began to hurt.”_

_Lexa only nods while Clarke swipes away her tears and after a while of just having been sitting there they both lie down. Tears are still escaping from Lexa's eyes and Clarke tries her best to keep them at bay. She wraps her arm around Lexa while Lexa's head rests on the other one and Clarke buries her head in the crop of her neck. After an hour Lexa falls asleep and Clarke leaves a tender kiss on her neck and holds her tighter, she never wants to let her little spoon go._

 

__~~~~~~~~~~~~_ _

 

 

**Seven months, 20 days and 19 hours.**

Clarke startles by the firm knocking on the door and she lets out a deep sigh when she sees the door open and her dads head peeping in from the opening.

“Hey kiddo, can I come in?”

Clarke shrugs her shoulders and looks down at the book in her hands.

“I don't know why you bother asking me that when we both know you would do it anyways.”

She hears his deep sigh and sees in the corner of her eye how his hand moves to his brown hair, a movement he always makes when he's nervous. She can't help but notice how old he looks now, how teared down he looks like. His grey strands of hair that more and more seems to take over the brown of it, his dark rings under those greyish-blue eyes, and his energy that used to be so full of life but no longer are as clear. Jake moves a little closer to the bed and then invites himself to sit down at the end of it.

“So, I was hoping we could talk..” He begins as he rubs the back of his head with his hand.

Clarke still has her eyes on the book and she doesn't want to take them of it because then she will probably be faced with her dad and a stern look on his face.

“Kiddo, you can't continue shutting us out like this. Raven and Octavia called again today, they are worried about you. Me and your mom are as well.” He paused and looked dejected at her, hoping he could get a reaction but Clarke was as closed of as ever. “You're angry at the world Clarke and I, we all understand that but.. You can't keep living in the past and throw your future away. You need to start living again.”

“Don't.” She knows where he is going with this and she doesn't want to hear it, she just want to be alone and it pisses her of that nobody seems to understand that. She looks into his eyes and sees how they are pleading for her to hear him out and she feels a little quilty because even though she doesn't want to hear it she didn't want to snap at him like that. She know she's shutting them out. When Raven or O calls she doesn't answer, when she and her family are having dinner she isn't a part of the conversations, she just sits there and eats and right after heads up to her room. The few occasions when they watch a movie together down in the livingroom she doesn't concentrate on the screen. She knows all these things and she even knows how hard it is for her family and friends seeing her like this, but she can't not not do these things cause it's her protection. It's her bubble from the world, from the harsch reality she lives in and she doesn't want to pop it and let all the emotions in. But her dad is persistent and she sighs once more when he starts to speak again.

“You can't keep living this way because it's not a life..” He pauses and his lips becomes strained as he looks on his daughter, he takes a deep breath before he continues “And it's not a life that Lexa would have wanted for you to live.”

Clarke's throut tightens and she feels like she has a big rock in her stomach. She holds her fathers glare and eventually she has to avert her own.

She swallows hard and tries to collect her voice before speaking.

“You're going with that cliche thing to say?” She laughs dryly. “She's dead, she doesn't want anything anymore.”

“Yes honey, she is dead. But if the roles had been reversed, wouldn't you have wanted her to move on and not dwell in the past?”

She meets his eyes but quickly looks away again.

“It doesn't matter, it is what is is. The roles aren't reversed.” She simply states and fingering at the books pages. Her dads gaze burning into her.

“Well I refuse to believe that the girl who told us a dirty joke the first time we met her would have wanted this for you. That the girl who couldn't look in my or your mother's eyes for three days after we caught you and her being a little too intimate for what's appropriately for the kitchen, would have wanted you to linger in the past.”

She can feel as the tears she thought had dried up starts to run along her cheeks at the mention of the memories. The ghost of a smile tugging on her lips because those moment are precious to her and more and more her dad's words starts to sink in. She looks at him with watery eyes and sees the smile on his face because those memories are precious to him too.

“Look kiddo, love is fleeding and not everyone gets to experience a love so strong as yours. That girl loved you to pieces and you loved her back just as much, and you will continue loving her and carrying her around with you for the rest of your life. It will always hurt but if you don't move on the pain will never fade and it's okay to move on because no matter where life takes you, you will never let go of the memories you have of her or the love you felt for her.”

Her tears streaming and covering her cheeks and she nods, at what she doesn't know, but she does it.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

_“Okay, it's official.” Lexa turns around and faces Clarke, her expression so serious that Clarke starts to dread the next words that will come out of her girlfriends mouth. “You can't cook to save your life.”_

_Clarke laughs and moves closer to Lexa, wrapping her arms around her waist. She looks into those green eyes and her stomach flutters because yet of this day it still feels like new love. It still feels like those first moments when ones heart gets taken and she is all you can think about. Even after months her butterflies are still there everytime she hears her voice and her legs trembles everytime Lexa touches her. Their love will never die because it will never get old._

_“Hey, you said that me being a bad cook is charming.” Clarke says and places a chaste kiss on the brunettes lips, she can feel her smile against her own lips and when Lexa's nose brushes against hers Clarke smiles too._

_Lexa backs away from the kiss and Clarke revels in the loving look on Lexa's face._

_“That was before I realized that one day you will burn down my apartment.”_

_“Not fair Lexa, the fire alarm has only gone off two times.” Clarke pouts and crosses her arms._

_“Three, counting this one.” Lexa smirks and Clarke pouts even more. “But I still love you, even though you one day will get me homeless due to burning down my place.”_

_Clarke smiles and once again wraps her arms around Lexa's waist._

_“Oh yeah? What do you love about me?” She teases and sways them side to side._

_Lexa pretends to think about it for a minute, only to irritate the blonde but she doesn't have to think about because she already knows, because she thinks of the reasons every single day._

_“Well.. I love that when we're lying in bed you have to have your feet under the blanket because otherwise you don't feel safe. I love that you can't have your feet on the floor when we are watching scary movies because you think a demon is going to yank at them and drag you under the couch. I love how you only sing when you're in the bath but never in the shower. I absolutely love how you sometimes have small conversations with yourself when you think I'm not hearing..” Lexa chuckled at her girlfriends Oh no moment at the unveiling but she kissed the expression away. “But what I love the most is that you love me back.”_

_Clarke's stomach flutters again and yeah, this love would never get old._

_“I Couldn't help to notice that two of those love me:s are about my feet... You have some foot fetish I don't know about?”_

_Lexa huffs and turns around but Clarke doesn't release her grip on her waist, instead she inches herself closer to Lexa's backside and blows puffs of her hot breath on Lexa's neck and she can feel how Lexa shudders at the sensation. She places a soft kiss on her pulse point and then nibbles at her earlobe, earning another shudder from the brunettes body._

_“Clarke, I swear, if you don't stop I will take you right on the dinner table.” Clarke hears the arousal in Lexa's voice and she humms._

_“You say that as if you thought I would object to that idea.” She replies and leaves another deep kiss at her pulse point._

_“Clarke, we're cooking and we need to eat.”_

_She lets go of her grip on Lexa's waist and growls a little jokingly._

_“Fine, but after we have eaten and I have tasted this new sauce of yours I want to taste something completely different.”_

_Lexa's laugh fills the kitchen as she keeps stirring the sauce and Clarke opens the fridge and takes out an onion and places it on the chopping board. Already after the first slice her eyes starts tearing up from the intensity of the raw onion and she sobs from the stinging in her eyes and nose._

_“What is it, Clarke?” Lexa asks, worry in her voice._

_“The onion, damn things always makes me cry.”_

_Lexa nods in understanding and she stands still for a moment before she turns around and leaves the kitchen. When she comes back she has something in her hand and she reaches it over to Clarke to take it._

_“Put these on.”_

_“Swim goggles, really Lexa? It's just onion tears, it will end as soon as I stop cutting.”_

_“I don't like seeing you cry, even if it's just onion tears.”_

_Clarke starts to protest but stops when she sees the stern look on Lexa's face so she obliges and puts them on. She feels ridiculous in them because they are big ass swim goggles completed with a snorkel and she can't imagine how she looks, because it feels like the upper part of her face is being squashed together. But yet she smiles because this is a gesture of love and Clarke feels blessed of having such a wonderful girl in her life, one that even wants to protect her from the purest of tears._

 

  _~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

**Nine months, 7 days and 23 hours.**

Clarke sits inbetween Raven and Octavia on the brown skin couch and holds an ice cold beer in her hand and it feels normal, it feels right.

“Okay, let me think of one..” Octavia has her tongue outside the side of her mouth and Clarke and Raven almost burst with laughter while watching her think way to hard, veins showing in her forehead and all. “I got one! Okay so listen to this.. Dark humor is like kids with cancer, it never gets old.” Raven can't hold in her laughter and almost falls off the couch trying to contain it.

“Wait, I don't get it.” Clarke obviously missed the pun of the joke and desperately tries to get it, maybe she's drunker than she thought. But when it comes to her she can't help her mouth from falling open.

“Octavia, that's awful!” She scolds and glares at the brunette.

“Come on Clarke, what did you expect? It's dark humor, it's supposed to be awful.” Octavia responds.

“Yeah, that's why it's called dark humor” Raven chipps in and takes a sip from her beer.

And Clarke starts to laugh a little herself because maybe it was a little funny, in an awful way.

Raven interrupts Clarke's laughter and picks up the remote.

“Okay, okay time for movie night!”

And as she started the dvd and the title of the movie was shown Clarke froze in place.

“Hey, Clarkey, you alright there?” Raven asks and moves a little closer.

“Yeah, it just took me by surprise. We watched this movie the first time we met, it kinda became ours.”

“Sorry, we didn't know.” Octavia explains and squirms a little. “We can watch another one if you want?”

But Clarke shakes her head, she can watch it. It feels like she could, maybe she can. So when The good dinosaur starts it's just as good as the four times she watched it together with Lexa. She flinches everytime Arlo hurts himself because apparently the poor thing hasn't suffered enough. And she laughs everytime Spot is being dog liked because that creature is the cutest thing that ever been seen on a screen. And in the end when they meet the other caveman family she cries because it's just so sad and in her heart she wanted Arlo and Spot to grow old together. And in the final minutes of the movie when Arlo reunites with his family and finally makes his mark, Clarke smiles the biggest smile she had in months.

 

_~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

_“Clarke.”_

_She feels a hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her but she doesn't want to acknowledge it because the bed is warm and everything else is cold._

_“Clarke, wake up.”_

_Once again she feels that hand on her shoulder and she reluctantly opens her eyes. She yawns as she sees Lexa bend over her, small braids collecting her hair a little here and there. Her cheeks are flushed and a little pink and Clarke knows that she must have been sitting out on the balcony for quite a while._

_“Lexa, what are you doing? Come back to bed.” She says with a drowsy voice._

_But Lexa just shakes her head and keeps rocking her shoulder._

_“Come on, I need to show you something.”_

_Clarke glances over to the alarm clock and sighs because seriously?_

_“It's 2 am, can't you show me it later? Like when I have gotten 8 hours more sleep and breakfast?”_

_“No you big log, I need to show you this now.”_

_Clarke sighs and starts to make her way out of the bed and instantly when her skin meets the air outside of the blanket she shudders because winter is really not nice towards this apartment._

_Lexa's pleased smile can't be mistaken for anything else but Clarke for one isn't pleased. It's two fucking a clock at night.._

_Lexa gives her a quick kiss on the cheek before turning around and walking out of the room._

_“Dress warm.” Clarke hears Lexa's voice from the livingroom and her jaw drops. “We are going out.”_

_Like seriously, it's two am and it's the middle of the winter, Clarke already hates this day._

 

_“Where are you taking me?”_

_“You'll see.” Lexa answers and tugs Clarke closer with the arm she has around her waist._

_Clarke shivers because it's so damn cold outside and not even the warmth from all the extra clothes Lexa made her wear seem to help. Their breathes are smoke in the cool midnight air and the snow crunches under their shoes as they walk. They have been walking for about fifteen minutes and all Clarke wants is to get back into the bed with Lexa but she knows that's not going happen for a while. When they reach a little more wooden area instead of the suburbs Clarke's grip around Lexa's hand instincly tightens. There's something about darken woods that's creepy. But Lexa only gives her an assuring smile and keeps walking with Clarke in hand. After not long they are standing beneath a really big hill and Clarke already knows where this is leading._

_“Do we have to?” She asks, not looking forward to making their way up to the top. Lexa just nods and so does the uphill walking begin._

_When they're finally at the top Clarke takes a deep breath and makes a promise to herself that she really needs to exercise more. Lexa doesn't seem the slightest tired, it's almost like she does this everyday. Lexa shoves some snow away and lays a couple of blankets on top of the clear area and then motions for Clarke to lay down, which she happily does because her feet aches like hell. Lexa lays down next to her and her gaze immediately goes up to the sky. Clarke looks up herself and she nearly gasps at the sight. It's so beautiful. Thousand of stars are looking down at them and Clarke has never seen them so close before. They're glistening in the pitch black and nothing has ever been so breathtaking._

_“Wow.” Clarke starts and she can barely think of any words to describe the sight before her eyes. “It's so beautiful.”_

_Clarke can't see Lexa's small nod in the darkness and it goes quiet between them for a still moment before Lexa speaks._

_“You know, I started coming to this hill when I was younger after my father passed away.” Clarke averts her gaze from the sky to Lexa at her words. “I would just sit here and watch the stars. I still do, every night on the anniversary of his death.”_

_Clarke is taken aback by the revelation._

_“So today?”_

_“Yes.”_

_Clarke inches closer to Lexa and takes her hand, intertwines their fingers together and she leans her head against the side of Lexa's shoulder._

_“I'm sorry..” Clarke begins but Lexa cuts her of with a gentle tone._

_“Don't be, it was a long time ago.” Clarke hears the deep breath of which Lexa is taking and all she wants to do in this moment is to comfort her. “When I was younger I had this theory that both your soul and your body has it's own seperate heart. So when your body dies there's a transition and your souls heart begins to beat instead of your bodys.” Lexa once again takes a deep breath before continuing. “I believed that the stars were souls from all the people who had died, that they were just up there waiting for their loved ones to reunite with them... It brought me comfort that we may meet again someday.”_

_“And now? What do you believe now?” Clarke asks against the warm skin of Lexa's neck._

_“I don't know exactly, but I do believe that death is not the end.”_

_And with that Lexa leans over and locks her eyes into Clarke's blue and then she feels the press of Lexa's plumbled lips, and this time she really does see stars._

 

  _~~~~~~~~~~~~_

 

** 365 days. **

The chill October air hits her as she steps out of the train and finds herself in the familiar place she has visited so many times. Only difference this time is the darkness surrounding the tunnel when it has been daylight everytime before. The night-train had taken two hours longer to reach the destination than the usual trains but it didn't matter, it had to be this way. Clarke walks up the steep staircase and when she's halfway up she stops for a second and thinks about their first kiss. When she closes her eyes she can feel the ghost of a hand on her neck dragging her forward. When she parts her mouth a little to easier breathe she can feel the ghost of a soft kiss on her lips, and as she starts to open her eyes she wishes to be met by two green ones locking into hers, but she knows she won't be.

Her family and friends had all been worried about her coming here but she had assured them that she would be fine. But now when Clarke is walking along the trees she almost wishes that she would have taken Raven's offer of coming with her, this darken woods is still creepy and this time she doesn't have Lexa's hand to hold on to. But she pushes herself and keeps going, trying to remember every turn Lexa had made when she guided Clarke along the woods that time in that very cold january air. And when she sees the beginning of the hill she lets out a sigh of relief. But the relief is soon replaced by panting as she works her way up the hill. She have forgotten how steep it really is and curses herself for not keeping that promise of exercising more. Clarke stumbles and she quickly drills her fingers into the dirt and tries to keep herself from not sliding down. The backpack on her back feels heavy as she straightens herself out and continues to climb her way up and when she finally reaches the top she lays down gasping, not caring a single bit about the cold ground or the backpack pressing against her in a painful way. She just lays there, looking at the stars. There just as many, just as close, not as glistening like in the cold winter but still and always, just as breathtakingly beautiful.

Clarke doesn't know how long she just looks at them but it's long enough that it has her in a daze until her phone beeps. She jerks and sits up, her back aching from the pack on her back and the hard ground.

She takes the phone and sees a message from Raven.

RavenReyBae:  Just wanted to make sure you haven't been eaten by a beer, or an alien from outer space or something equally dangerous. Or like a racoon, those are dangerous too. Like have you seen that black eye thing they have going on? They even look like bandits, I'm telling you, they're vicious little suckers. Anyway, O says Hi and you should too so we know that the bandits haven't gotten to you!

Clarke smiles at her friends absurdity and quickly types a reply before tucking her phone back into her pocket. Clarke reaches into her backpack and takes out the candles, maybe ten of them were a little too much, but Lexa would have loved it. Clarke thinks of Lexa's obsession with candles, especially those times she took a bath. Lexa's bathroom was really small but it never stopped her from lighting about twenty of them in the room. She would always say that it was relaxing and that it brought a calm atmosphere and serenity to where ever she was or were doing. Clarke smiles at the thought and keeps lighting the candles. Another memory comes flooding through her. This time it's her, Lexa, Raven and O all going skinny dipping, Lexa's first time of doing so. Clarke sees the scene before her inner eyes. Lexa standing by the edge of the water with a towel wrapped around her naked body, herself, Raven and Octavia already neck up in the slightly cold water. They all yell at her to come into the water and after 35 minutes of pleading she did. Clarke will never forget the exact sound of Lexa's scream as she threw herself in the water or her shivers as she emerged up from it, her hair dripping wet. It's funny yet to this day, Lexa was the hardest one to get into the water, and she was the hardest one to get to come out of it.

Clarke smiles at the thought of the memory and she then thinks back about the conversation she had with her father, and she realizes he was right. She will never again be able to look into those green eyes that never changed by seasons. She will never again feel Lexa's kisses or feel how her stomach fluttered in a way that only Lexa could make happen. She will never again hear her voice, the soft tones of how she speaks or the forceful but soft way she sings. Or hear her teasing for Clarke being such a bad cook or see the smirk she always got on her lips as she did so. But she will always remember. Remember their first kiss on the staircase, how it took her breath away and made her so weak-kneed that she almost fell down. She will always remember that first time she heard her sing in the other end of the phone, how she fell into a slumber at the sound more beautiful that an harpa played by an angel. Clarke will never forget swim goggles given for protection or tears caused by puncutered skin, she will never again relive those things, but she will always remember and cherish it for the rest of her days. Clarke then thinks about the conversation she had with Lexa on this very hill underneath the stars. She believed that death is not the end and Clarke is not sure what she believes. Maybe the stars are souls, or maybe after death nothing comes, or maybe Lexa's watching down at her right now, those green eyes turned into a shining bright star. She doesn't know what to believe but it's okay, because Lexa believed for her. So Clarke gazes up at the sky, thousand of stars looking down at her and she smiles. A second of a deep breath that feels like hundreds, eyes never leaving the dark star-filled Autumn sky, a heartbeat and then;

“May we meet again.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far I want to thank you for taking the time to read it and I hope you liked this story and I would love if you told me in the comments what you thought of it.


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